April 22, 2003~~5:06 p.m.
Weird People
I�m pretty much sick of weird people. I don�t know why. Usually I endure them and even like having them around to make fun of and make my day interesting, but lately, I�ve just had it. I reached my saturation point for weirdness last Wednesday at work, but until now have been trying to recover from my affliction and have not been able to update my diary with the strangeness that abounds until now. Now, when I say �weird� I don�t mean weird like that guy with pink hair that obviously stands out in a crowd and is trying to be different. I mean the people who genuinely think they are normal and just aren�t. And I mean behavior that just gets on my nerves. So there�s the Praying Mantis that is taking over for Rowena. She has these spectacles over which she peers at you and her face is sort of heart-shaped like a, well, praying mantis. She is very thin and wears her pants at her natural waist. She is thin, I say, but there are odd lumps here and there that make her look, well, lumpy. Just below her waist are a few of these lumps and so cinching her pants at the waist and tucking in her blouses does not a sexy praying mantis make. She has lots of hair for a middle-aged praying mantis and sometimes she puts it up in a half ponytail. This is at once, juvenile and totally against what I take to be her serious image. She is so thin and when she pulls her pants up so high it makes her legs look disproportionately long that I swear she�s about to draw up her legs at any moment, like a praying mantis and POUNCE! Whenever I see her totter through the building, I can�t help but roll my eyes. I will be meeting with her shortly to discuss my maternity leave plans. Fun times. Then there is the guy, we�ll call him �Troy� who has some kind of upper-management job that nobody knows the purpose of. Mostly, I see him wander the office with a clipboard in hand. I honestly don�t know what he does for a living. I do know that he is Rowena�s �senior� (scienTolOGY for �boss�) and so whenever she trips and falls and can�t come to work, he takes over for her for the day. He is also in charge of all the company�s �hats� so if you ever need instructions on how to do something, he�s your man. Of course, you could also use your common sense, but they don�t like to suggest that because, well, if word gets out that things are that easy, what would Troy do for a living? The human resources woman who, during my interview told me that cucumber wax causes cancer, has been out of the country for a few months. Praying Mantis was taking her place during her vacation. When HR Lady came by my desk today, she took it upon herself to peer over my shoulder to check and see if I was showing yet. She even touched my belly. This I did not appreciate. I was doing my best to ignore her and not participate in the gleeful screaming that some other scIEntOloGists were taking part in upon seeing her for the first time, and she ruined it. Then there is the She-Devil who, yesterday, was prowling around the mail room scouring the stacks for a letter or package that had $3.15 worth of postage on it. She asked me if I�d stamped something for that amount, and when I said no, she demanded to know how much each of my large envelopes cost to send. There were about 25 of them at about $1.06 apiece. I was not the mail culprit THIS time, no way no how! She even made the mailman dig through his mail van bins to see if he could find said letter. I think she was on her way out the door to go home, but she could not let this $3 issue go without a fight. (Insert rolling of eyes here).
Then there is the oversized oaf of a man who runs the finance office (wherein lies She-Devil) and is basically someone you hope you never have to deal with. I wonder if there is something in the air in the finance office that makes everyone just plain irritated with the world and intolerant of anyone other than their little math-whoring selves. At any rate, "Rick" is this HUGE guy. He is tall and sort of wide and has gray hair and glasses. He complains ALL THE TIME. Once, I heard him go off for 30 minutes about how he injured his knee in a sporting event and the saga that he endured at the hospital and how bitter he now is at the world for this sordid twist of fate. He drives this little old Ford Probe that I wonder how he fits into. His vanity plate includes the words "MR EASY" which is so ironic I can't help but be annoyed just by reading it in the parking lot. Someone said that it is his old radio name. The thought of Rick being a DJ or having anything to do with public entertainment makes me guffaw in the utter ridiculousness of it all.
Then there is the receptionist with the bright blue eyeliner and gray mullet who makes a point to speak to me every single morning despite my never being in the mood to talk in the morning when I�m on my way upstairs to my desk. I can�t get to my desk without passing her so there is no other way around conversation. Most days, I really don�t want to exchange obligatory and meaningless banter with someone who is overly perky at an ungodly hour, but still, I must. To make matters worse, she has taken to calling me �Little Momma� or �The Little Momma� instead of by my name. As in, �How�s the Little Momma this morning?!� This, I hate. So far, I have done nothing �momma-like� except grow a fetus. At 5�8� tall, I am most definitely not �little� and in fact, am growing more every day. And anyway, coming from her, ANY nickname would annoy me. But definitely at 8:30 a.m. when I don�t really want to discuss how I am doing. And if I don�t initiate the �good mornings?� Well, she calls up the stairs to me when I�m halfway to my desk. Yep, sure does. And when I�m not perky in the morning? (Which I rarely am) I get questioned about my mental state of having my husband in the war and being pregnant and alone. I can assure you that although these two things are not preferable, they are not the sole reason that I do not like life in the a.m. So please don�t make me discuss or think about the fact that I am missing my husband so early in the day. I can do that on my own. Then there is the lady (about 60 years old) in our department who works in event registration under C and is completely incompetent. She has absolutely no computer skills. I mean, nada. After she had been here for 3 weeks, they discovered that she didn�t know how and was not checking her email. Instead of emailing prospective event attendees, she always always always faxes them. She is notorious for messing up spreadsheets with thousands of names and contact information in them. She is an idiot. She was hired because her daughter is a salesperson for the company and is scientologist. She will therefore, never be fired despite her incompetence. It is an unfair game they play, folks. Yes, yes it is. Her first name is odd (she�s from Texas. They do weird things there.) so she has problems leaving messages for people who don�t know who she is. Instead, she does this annoying thing where she introduces herself (we�ll call her Mrs. MacGyver) as �Mrs. MacGyver of e.SciEntOLoGy Events.� Um, hello? Are you the ONLY �Mrs.� anything at this company? It just sounds WEIRD. People don�t know who we are sometimes, when we call, and quite frankly, saying you�re �Mrs. MacGyver� just makes you look like some grandma calling and bothering these people. Make it stop. And then, she describes our events in the most basic of terms. Mind you, these are government employees she is talking to, who work in the technology areas of their departments. The events are government technology EVENTS. People like tech talk in these places. Don�t say things like, �Our events have people talking about the newest stuff in technology! You know, things you need to know!� Well, no shit. It�s just ridiculous to listen to her. She has no clue. And once, recently, she was wearing these bright yellow leather slip-on shoes with a matching polyester pantsuit. If that�s not enough evidence that Mrs. MacGyver is a fool, I don't know what is. She also is anti-social. She has been working here for 3 months and still doesn't know anyone's name. We have had two birthday parties for people where we have cake and ice cream and everyone except her came over to the person's desk and sang the song and ate cake and she just sat at her computer. And then, when the last piece of cake was being offered around, she somehow made it known that she wanted it, but still never got up from her seat. It was just bizarre. And besides, if you don't come to the party, you don't get the cake, bitch! C, meanwhile, is going to Florida for brainwashing in the near future. Her segment of the department is doomed, therefore. However, Art validated approving her to go on her personal �betterment� vacation (which, mind you, has no time frame�it just goes until you are �cleansed�) while the rest of the department works its ass off because the sales team has too much work to do to make good sales but because they haven�t made good sales, they aren�t allowed to hire another assistant. So we can spend money on C and her incompetent staff to basically not work, but there isn�t money to afford a new minimum wage assistant. Make sense? Nope, not to me either. That is all for now. The rest of the weirdos will have to tell their tale another day.
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