January 27, 2005~~7:38 p.m.
Sponge Bob Squarepants Gives Head?
So it appears that the Republicans have moved along from Sponge Bob to PBS in their quest to rid America of all things �evil� and �dangerous� (read: gay and alternative). First, it was stated that Sponge Bob depicted certain innuendo and reeked of homoeroticism if you looked hard enough. I�ll let that sink in for a second� I mean, Sponge Bob? Have you seen that guy? What gay man in his right mind would ever be attracted to Sponge Bob Squarepants? And let�s just imagine the scenario here for a second�little Billy is watching an episode of his favorite cartoon and notices his hero, Sponge Bob conversing with another male character at some sort of bar (which is the clip of the cartoon they showed on the news, seemingly to depict an instance of suggestive material). Billy, age 4, is confounded. What does it mean when two men talk to each other? There must be something wrong, he thinks. And then he goes to his mommy and asks, just as she is on her way to church services Wednesday evening, �Mommy, why does Sponge Bob like boys?� Naturally, Mommy Republican is up in arms and contacts her local Traditional Values Coalition chapter and demands that the Christian right DO something about this pervasive social problem. Nevermind the fact that there are children in Iraq who witness their parents being shot to death every day�our American kids are being influenced by the �evil gay community� right here on our very soil. Well, okay, so I had a little tangent. But let�s be realistic here: it is unlikely that Billy is that astute of a four-year-old to even hone in on such an issue. I mean, it took me years and her budding relationship with Ellen Degeneres for me to find out that Portia de Rossi is a lesbian and I read every gossip headline there is. And she is OUT! I find it hard to believe that a toddler would have more accurate gaydar than I. So I just ignored the Sponge Bob drama last week and chalked it up to silly right-wingers with nothing to complain about lately. But then tonight, when the Secretary of Education attacked PBS for a show they produced including a lesbian couple with children, I became angered. According to the news broadcast, the Secretary of Education, one Margaret Spellings (who, I might add, has never been a teacher, professor, school principal or had pretty much any practical experience in the education field EVER in her life) demanded that PBS return the grant money awarded them by the Department of Education for the program they produced including a portrayal of this way of life. She said that she did not think it was �good use of the public funds� to put this show on television. Well, I, as a member of the taxpaying public, would like to note that I do not think it is good use of the public funds to have Margaret as our Secretary of Education, but unfortunately, nobody asked ME. I mean, come on, Margaret. What do you know? From your track record as a co-author of the No Child Left Behind Act I�m not sure you�re really a great asset to our government. I mean, we all know how well THAT plan is going. And anyway, Margaret, don�t you think there are more important things in our education and childcare system (or lack thereof as the case may be) to pay attention to in lieu of attacking one of the most prominent broadcasting companies in our nation as well as one of the only channels that ever produces quality television as they have for decades? Over ONE episode of a television show? I will admit that I see both sides of this issue. I can understand how some parents might not want to have to discuss the topic of gay parenting to their children before they or the children are ready to do so. But let�s be realistic. It�s only a matter of time before the issue will come up in a child�s life as gay parenting continues to become more and more widespread. Wouldn�t you rather be able to discuss it in the comfort of your home while watching PBS with your child than on the playground one day when Sally and Sarah bring their daughter Sasha to playgroup? Why don�t we all just be honest and say what the real issue is here. The fact is, that parents who have a problem with homosexuality are embarrassed to expose themselves as the bigots they really are to children too young to care or understand it. Those of us who commend homosexuals for seizing the life they want and deserve have no problem talking about it to our children as early as the topic comes up. I myself plan to just be real and honest with my child about the issue. The fact is that sometimes women love other women and men love other men. Sometimes these people want to have children together. It�s really very simple. Why would a child think it strange unless you present it as so? Then there is the other issue of the rhetoric. I was so offended to see a member of the Traditional Values Coalition on the news advocating the dismissal of the �immoral� PBS show. What the hell are �traditional values?� Obviously, we all know that they are those in favor of heterosexual marriage, children within the confines of said marriage, and marriage to one person until death do you part. (insert hallelujah hymn here) Ah. Isn�t that a lovely thought? Let�s take a moment to go back in time to when �traditional values� were the standard throughout our land� Thinking� Thinking� Still thinking� Well, I can�t figure it out, can you? I am offended that there are people in this world who have laid claim to the term �traditional� when referring to their values. As if those of us with �modern� values are poo-pooing our national heritage (not that it�s a bad thing). Anyway, I prefer to say that my values are �progressive� whereas those with �traditional� ones are actually �oppressive.� I guess the business cards for �Oppressive Values Coalition� didn�t look as nice to the PR manager of their club, huh? While I�m at it, would you consider adding �Self-Righteous� to the beginning of your name? �Self-Righteous Traditional Values Coalition� has a nice ring to it. How much you wanna bet that the traditional values woman on ABC News tonight is married to a closeted gay man. He�s probably cheating on her right this very second with the black guy down the street. They�re just keeping it on the �down low.� I�m sure Sponge Bob Squarepants would be so proud.
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