October 24, 2002~~2:37 p.m.
An Open Letter to the Beltway Sniper
Dear Beltway Sniper, aka �Mr. Mohammad,� Um, hi Snipey. It�s Lauren. Allow me to extend my introduction. I just wanted to say thanks for not sniping me and my boyfriend, Omar, whilst we were visiting Sniperville last week for 5 days. There were several instances where we were concerned when seeing a white Astro van with ladder parked behind the overgrown yard vines on our way to the West Falls Church metro station, but apparently, we needn�t have worried because you were in fact driving a shitty Chevy Caprice. I was unaware as to what, exactly, a Chevy Caprice WAS, but now, thanks to your apparent arrest, I have been enlightened. Turns out, we were watching for the wrong vehicle on our walks, all along. Who knew? So yeah. Thanks for not shooting us when we went to the Smithsonian and the Holocaust Museums. Thanks for sparing us when we made shadow puppets onto the Washington Monument at night. Thanks, Snipey, for scaring my mom when I told her we walked two miles in broad daylight back to our hotel from the metro station. I�m sure she appreciated that. Sniperkins, I�d also like to add my deepest un-thanks for shooting people at random in the mornings so that CNN and crappy local news was all we could watch instead of being able to see Faith sing on the Today Show last Friday. Oh Snipey, how I will not miss your inducing the likes of Connie Chung to dig deep into their brains to try unsuccessfully to psychoanalyze you, your whereabouts, and why you were doing the freaky things you were doing. Snipes, I will not miss seeing Chief Moose squint into the camera lights whilst saying random things like �duck in a noose� and �we want to talk to you� and not saying things like �I am a puppet at the hands of a deranged killer and I can�t find a guy who has killed 10 people and who keeps trying to call me personally but who my underpaid secretary keeps hanging up on.� Snipes, it has not really been a pleasure, but the goings-on have been quite the movie-turned-real-life. The Land O�Sniper will never be the same without you. Thank God. Sincerely, Lauren Traveller
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