January 03, 2005~~10:06 p.m.
Tired
There was a card that I had once. It had a black and white picture of a small girl with an umbrella playing in a rain puddle. The card read, �There are people one loves instantly and forever�simply to know they are in this world is quite enough.� I am not so sure. I think that the emotion of missing someone is not natural to human beings. What I mean is, that I think it is a reflex and an evolutionary tool that goes back thousands of years. I think it is a warning signal to us that we are supposed to stay close to the ones we love. It is unnatural for us to be separated from them. Back in the day, when humans were nomads or cave-dwellers, we depended on each other for survival. If we ventured out alone, we increased our chances for death. I think this is the reason that missing someone hurts so much and leaving to begin with hurts more. It�s as if our hearts have not caught up with the global economy and transportation technology. Before cars and trains and well, any mode of transportation other than our own two feet, people lived with their families and pretty much never left. Now, people move from coast to coast with nary a second thought. What�s the big deal? We can email, phone, webcam them at any given moment anyway, right? We have instant communication. But that is not enough. I am tired of missing my friends. I�m tired of making new friends only to leave them at some point. I don�t think that it�s �enough� just to know that they are in this world. I want them HERE with ME right NOW. In thinking about it, I have been missing people since I left for college in 1996. First, it was my boyfriend who was still in high school. Then, one of my best friends transferred colleges halfway through. After graduation, we all went separate ways and I moved hours away from my boyfriend (Omar). For a year, I missed him desperately. Then, I was happy for a few months before he had to move and I missed him again. Little did I know I would be missing him for years that way. Now we�re together and we�re following some random and sordid trail to where the money and the jobs are. Here we are, in a new town that neither of us has ties to and is halfway between both of our families, whom, for the record, live at either end of the state, 8 hours driving time apart. There is a logical progression to how we got where we are, but it doesn�t take the strangeness out of things when I stop and just think about the fact that we are here. And now that we are here, together, for several years, it seems, I miss my friends so much more. It feels like they are so much farther away now. I know I need to go out and make an effort. I make friends easily�it really shouldn�t be that hard. And yet it is. I�m just tired. Tired of being lonely and tired of not having a place. I�m tired of sending out emails on an annual basis with a new address and phone number. I haven�t lived in the same apartment/house/roach motel (Wassup 750 D Street, Davis CA!!!!) for longer than a year since I went to college. I�m so TIRED of it. Oh and Happy New Year. Mwahahahahahahahahahaha��
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