November 03, 2004~~1:14 p.m.
An Open Letter to Our President
***Confidential to the FBI: I realize my file may be growing quickly, especially with the addition of this open letter. If you need some help with any personal information about myself, please email me through my profile.***
Dear George W. Bush: Well, it looks as though all that money and tutoring really paid off! You�ve done it again! You�ve snowed the American public! My extended congratulations to you and yours, this post-Election Day. I hate to be so presumptuous as to assume what your agenda for the next four years is, aside from continuing to lead America and the rest of the modern world to more bloodshed, debt and a general unrest, but if I were your right-hand woman, I would say the first thing you should do is give that Karl Rove a big fat raise, to match his big fat (and did I mention, creepy?) head!! What a remarkable job he has done, huh?! Wow. Pat that guy on the back. I mean, taking an idiot baseball club owner and making him into a twice-elected (ahem�once stolen, once elected) President in less than 15 years! That is SOME feat! I mean, the tutoring sessions alone that you must have required just to get up-to-speed on how the State of Texas works must have been a big mountain to climb, let alone graduating you on to learning about how AMERICA is run! Sheesh! That was a lot of learning you had to do, George! Was it as hard as it sounds? I�m sure it would have been much easier for you if the �internets� had existed back then, but lo, you were a bit on the early side for that small advantage. If I may say so, your public relations team is also MAGNIFICENT!! What a bear they have had to tackle, making you look Presidential, huh?! Woooweee. I would not want that job, no way no how. But they did it! And in the process, they managed to convince over 57 million people that John Kerry was the arrogant one running for President! How in the world did they do it, George, HOW?! And after your disastrous show in the Presidential debates they STILL managed to come back a�swingin�! Not to mention four years of a crappy record as President! They deserve a vacation, those people! Maybe you can take them on your next vacation to Crawford. I�m sure some R&R is just around the corner for you, as usual. I�ve heard the rumors that you�ll be running Colin Powell out of his office now that he would otherwise face another 4 very long years working for you. Well, that will make your life easier, I suppose. This way, you will have not a one dissenter on your team for the next war you decide to wage on an undeserving country. Too bad for the rest of us reasonable people. Powell was not only a person of color to offset you crazy white guys in the administration, but he actually had an intelligent mind resting on his shoulders and (gasp!) seemingly, no hidden agenda!! Who will replace, him though�.(thinking�thinking�). Does Donald Rumsfeld have a son? Maybe that would complete your Axis of Evil in the White House. Be sure to tell whomever the replacement is to watch out. It�s only fair to warn them that you tend to throw your Secretary of State to the wolves when it is convenient for you. Perhaps the most heartening thing about your election is that we all are privileged to see Dick Cheney and his two-faced wife, Lynne running our country for another term. Allow me to pause and wipe a tear of joy from my cheek. *sniff* Maybe she will use her family to her political gain some more and yet chastise those who mention them in their own politicking. Boy, that was fun to watch, huh? She is one great lady. And that Dick. Boy howdy. Doesn�t he have the MOST attractive sneer in politics? Ah yes. Another four years of fear-inducing speeches from Mr. Cheney. I can�t wait! How glad am I that the nation picked the �right� ticket this time around? SO glad! Now we have our imaginary protective shield up against terrorism. Whew. That was sure close for a minute, wasn�t it? Well, Mr. President, I guess I�ll let you go for now. I know you must be busy getting ready to delegate figuring out how to get out of the quagmire that is Iraq, now. I must forewarn you, though. I�m not sure I�ll be available to watch your next Inauguration Day. I think I�ve had enough of your voice/face/sneer/self-congratulation for quite some time. This has been a LONG year, as I�m sure you understand. Thank goodness those good PR people of yours know to keep you off-camera as much as possible and we�ll hopefully get a break for awhile. Otherwise, we�d be subjected to so many more of your mispronunciations, and, well, it�s just not a good face to show the rest of the world, get my drift? And anyway, you have a lot of terror-fighting to do. Especially on our home turf. Now that you�re President again, there are a lot of friendly Americans who are terrorized and terrified out of their minds. Sincerely, Lauren
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