April 17, 2002~~9:02 p.m.
Course One: Rowena
So I took a little sabbatical. I did. I admit it. I had to take a breather from the Land O'Diary. I found that things just weren't that funny anymore. I even contemplated ending my diary on the sad note that I am now working with a plethora of ScieNtoLOgisTs, and leaving you all, my loving and devoted fans (who probably won't find this entry for YEARS because you all think I don't update anymore) to wonder for eternity what ever happened to me after disappearing into L. Ron's haven, kind of like how they left us all hanging this past Monday with the series finale of "Once and Again" one of the best shows on t.v., after "The Osbournes" and "Will and Grace". But you can rest assured, dear ones, that at least for now, I am back. But I actually have a really good excuse as to why I haven't even plugged in Inspiron 5000e since mid-March. It's because, what with my real job at e.ScIenTolOGy (as it will heretofore be known) and my part-time nightly job at Gay Crew and my workout regime to attempt to lose a few before my wedding (yeah, well, even if it IS years away, it's fun to say "for the wedding" as if it's just around the corner...yeah laugh if you want to. My boyfriend is playing G.I. Jose for the Shrub in the White House and I have to find my amusement somewhere)and basically spending all day staring at a computer and not really wanting to do so when I come home, I just don't have the time or energy at 11:00 p.m. most nights to update. So get over it. I have. So I know that when I last left you, I'd just started at e.Sci and I promised a detailed description of those with whom I work. And then, for a split second, I thought, "hmm. Maybe that would be a bad idea. Maybe I'd get fired." ESPECIALLY when my paranoid mother said in her best southern drawl, "You know better than that. If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." And then cocked her head and eyed me as only a paranoid mother can. But then, my short and not-so-sweet legal training kicked in and I heard a voice from afar say, "The best defense for libel is truth!" And of course, I only speak the truth, as unbelievable as it may seem. And since I use psuedonyms for both my workplace AND people's names, even a Google search couldn't bring up the company or its employees or anything libelous, because nothing I say here will be made up...only possibly slightly overdramatized for effect and storytelling. There. That's my disclaimer. So are you ready? So after six weeks of employment at e.Sci as a temp, I have been officially hired, and thus, have officially begun my training in L. Ron Hubbard's theories of management for business. And let me tell you, it's not fun. I mean, I just ditched law school, because, um, hello, it was SCHOOL. Yet here I am again. Is this a sign? Basically, L. Ron's book (which, I might add, is illustrated with many "fun" pictures of mid-upper class white men and women in management and high-powered white collar positions) is just a re-creation of common sense. You know, the stuff we're all born with. L. Ron was a shrewd businessman, though, because he has managed to re-name and re-package every aspect of basic communication skills and the idea of having "projects to do" which are associated with a certain position in the workplace, and has convinced the CEO of e.Sci and the Directors under him to have all the employees take this "course" and read all about these basics and get paid for it. Oh, and we get to play with colored blocks too. Part of L. Ron's re-packaging scheme has been to take commonly used terms and reassign them new and "deeper" meanings. And as if L. Ron were reaching up out of his grave and slapping me on the back with glee, the most pervasive term of all is my old pet peeve, yes, you've got it, "wear many hats." It has been taken to a WHOLE new level here at e.Sci, because everything you do---every project, job, training, everything is a "hat." At e.Sci, "hat" is a verb! As in, "Have you been 'hatted' on how to update that web page yet?" Oh. My. God. It is a NIGHTMARE. A NIGHTMARE I tell you. But I can live with it. I just choose not to use the word "hat" in a sentence unless it has a "p" in front of it and I'm talking about how wonderful they all think L. Ron is. So when I take my "courses" (which I'm not sure I'm going to take many more of, quite frankly, but I have to talk to my boss about it...who, thank Heaven, you know, the one where GOD lives, is Catholic) I go to the "course room" and this woman who we'll call Rowena is my supervisor/teacher. Let it be known that Rowena would likely have a VERY difficult time plotting her route to the open end of a paper sack even with the assistance of a Yahoo Map printed in color. And she's the one who corrects me when I do my "demonstrations." (To clarify, there are worksheets that go with each book and each chapter. The worksheets tell you which pages to read and when, and then sometimes you have to write definitions of things or do these "demonstrations." Demonstrations are when you use the blocks to show an idea from the reading in your own words in a life or work situation of your choice, and everything you say in your demonstration has to have a block designated for it. I learned the hard way. I forgot to physically "show" a credit card with a block in my "going to the Christian Bookstore" analogy of an L.Ron point that he undoubtedly made millions off of when he snowed so many people into reading his science fiction crap.) And also it is apparently truly amazing that I graduated from college at all. Who knew it could be done despite eating AND drinking sometimes in class??!! Because at e.Sci, one is not allowed to do either during one's course. It was confirmed that Rowena was a bit "loopy" not the first day of my tenure at e.Sci when I had to take a course on how to use the telephone system, not the day I learned she named her poor child Arthur, not the day she couldn't figure out how I managed to get to UC Davis straight from High School without a side trip to a junior college, not the day that she tried to tell me of the STRAIN that her six months at Heald's Business College put on her in early 1981, not the day that she explained the L. Ron Hubbard "Tonal Scale" (which is a gauge of human emotions denoted in chart form on the wall of the course room with little critters for each emotion--they look like germs and I said so, thus likely bringing an L. Ron-induced curse upon my home) to me wherein the level of "Death" is above "Physially Controlling" someone.(Don't worry. I don't get it either) No, I knew she was loopy the day she said, "Isn't the course just SOOO interesting? And you've only heard good things about L. Ron Hubbard, right?" Basically, I work in the e.Sci version of "Days of Our Lives" complete with a posessed Marlena in the form of every one of these crazies who honestly believe, that you don't have a BACTERIA that makes you sick, it's probably the wax on your cucumber. More to come...
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