March 03, 2002~~9:43 p.m.
Real Wet III
Dear Lauren, "Thank you for participating in Bunim/Murray Productions open casting call for Season 12 of the Real World and Season 11 of Road Rules. We are honored to have been given the chance to know you and appreciate the time you took to come to meet us." Read: Thank you for coming and standing in line for 5 hours in the pouring rain only to be asked degrading questions and judged based on how well your makeup withstood said pouring rain and making us feel cool that you wasted a day of your life on us. "Many of those who attend our open calls travel great distances and endure not ony lengthy waits but also adverse weather conditions." Read: Ha! You fool! "We greatly appreciate these sacrifices and wish that we could spend a much longer time getting to know each applicant." Read: We will now begin the bullshit portion of this letter. "Even more, however, we appreciate the enthusiasm and verve with which you participated in our round table discussion." Read: We love seeing people squirm when asked if they masterbate and we also love to laugh later at all the innocent virgins we made feel stupid when asked to describe their "first time." Thank you for answering these highly personal questions so we can feel superior and powerful. "As you know, we meet with or receive tapes from nearly five thousand applicants for each person we cast on the show. While we truly wish we could provide a forum for all of the fascinating stories we hear, and all of the voices that interest us, we are forced to narrow the field each year to those seven people on Real World and six on Road Rules." Read: Although we make it seem as though picking thirteen people at random is a difficult task, we are obviously highly inept at this activity when compared with a large institution such as the University of California which seems to be able to make similar choices in a very short amount of time when faced with tens of thousands of applicants each year. "Unfortunately, we are unable to offer you a place in this season's cast." Read: We did not find you photogenic, virgin, goody-goody, Mormon, black, gay or psychotic enough to warrant offering you a place in our art deco house. "Please understand that our decision is not in any way a rejection or dismissal of you personally and in no way reflects negatively on any comment you may have made of anything you chose to share with us." Read: Of COURSE our decision is a rejection and dismissal of you personally because we asked no questions of value or purpose other than to rate your personality while we watched and evaluated your face and body type. "We deeply appreciate your enthusiasm, openness and honesty and wish you the very best of everything in your future." Read: We love it that although we are rich jerks with WAY too much power ascribed to us than we deserve for televising sex in the way we do, shmucks like you keep coming back for more. Thank you for stroking our egos. "Sincerely, Mary-Ellis Bunim and Jonathan Murray" Read: Capitalist assholes.
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