2002-01-04~~10:21 a.m.
Shocking News
HE'S GAY!!!!! Well, we all knew that already, didn't we? But now, my only concern is this: what the hell will I do at PRF from now on since my "gay or nay sleuthing" has been suddenly cut short? I think that I was subconsciously trying to draw out the investigation of Asexual Dick's sexual preferences simply for lack of anything better to do. But it is confirmed. The game is over. Asexual Dick is hereby renamed Big Gay Dick. It turns out that the girl bearing flowers this past Wednesday was merely an old high school friend who has a crush on Big Gay Dick but, as we all now know, her crush will not bear fruit of any kind. But the most shocking thing is not BGD's "outing." It is the realization that my gaydar was so focused on BGD that I failed to hone in on the fact that my boss (not Dad Butt/Pastel Man, the other one) whom I will call Ned in this forum, is gay too! I have been completely oblivious to this fact for the past 3 months. It is really quite saddening to me to think that all along, I was face to face with a gay man, complete with live-in partner and I didn't even SUSPECT it. Although he did keep referring to his life and life partner in the "we" sense; i.e. "We are having dinner with friends for New Years..." but I, socialized such that I assume everyone is heterosexual until proven otherwise, assumed he meant "we" as in he and wife. Truth be told, he was actually referring to his fife (fag wife) (my new coined term for gay men wives which has not, to my knowledge, been approved by Bevin yet...although "lesband" went over very well with her just FYI). The fact that Ned is gay and I didn't know it is troubling to me. I simply can't believe that all along, there were obvious signs and I simply chose not to see them. I mean, it was obvious when I learned that Ned doesn't put anything processed or unnatural in his body. That means he only eats organic things, no meat (well, no EDIBLE meat, let's say...), and no caffeine, among other things. Then there was the day that the dog groomer called to notify him that his dogs were ready to be picked up. Not to mention when Ned's brother came to the office to drop of Christmas gifts for said dogs. Obviously, the dogs are the children, much like that gay couple in "Best in Show" the funniest movie ever. But I digress. Basically, I am ashamed of my faulty gaydar. I will really have to work on being more observant and less in denial. ~~~~~ So with the departure of the necessity of the investigation of Big Gay Dick, formerly known as Asexual Dick, there is sadly no longer a need for my diary segment entitled "Gay or Nay?" However, I have decided to replace it with a section entitled "Gay Crew: Did That Just Happen?" a collection of funny but mostly annoying anecdotes about the people I encounter while working in retail. There just seem to be too many incidents to warrant ignoring the drama. They deserve their own segment, don't you agree? So without further ado (drumroll).... Gay Crew: Did that Just Happen? Last night, this plain-looking couple came into the store with a paprika colored sweater. The following occured: Wife: I don't like anything about this sweater. I don't like the color, the style-- Husband rudely, and rudely interrupting Wife: She just doesn't like that sweater at all! Wife: I'd like to exchange it for something better. Husband: Where are your other, better sweaters?! Chris (cashier): Um--- Wife: But I don't have a gift receipt. I asked for one but the person who gave me the gift didn't save the receipt. Husband: Yeah, we don't have a receipt but we hate this sweater! Chris: Okay, well I can check on the price and see how much you have to look for another one....it's $78.00. (surprising, because everything else in the entire store is on sale. But an $80 sweater isn't too poor quality, is it? Anyhoo...) Wife, huffily: Humph. Well, okay. Where are your nicer sweaters then?! Husband: Yeah. We want to find something in a higher gauge!
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No shit. The guy said "higher gauge" in reference to a sweater. Chris and I were just like, "huh?" How out of context was that??!! I've never heard a clothing item referred to by gauge. At least not outside of Givenchy or Armani. Please. You have now entered J. Crew. Home of Nothing Better Than Cashmere Blends. If you are looking for an item in a "higher gauge" you may want to stop looking in the mirror, ass-munch! That was the most hilarious thing I have heard this week. Of course, they found NOTHING for which to exchange the sweater and still lucked out (or maybe not in their opinions) with $80 in store credit. ~~~~~~ Thumbs up and Thumbs Down Quicklist (regarding my life the past couple of days) Thumbs Up: -It's Friday -I bought a new lamp for our living room so our broken hanging lantern which keeps fluttering on and off and finally just died the other day can rest in peace. In addition, the new lamp also eliminates the low-lighting problem in our small apartment. Now I can read on the couch without squinting. -$13 sweaters at Gay Crew, after employee discount. Hip hip, Hooray! -The butter-yellow (my signature and favorite color) notecards on delicate paper edged in white and accompanied by yellow envelopes with white polka-dotted liners which I purchased at Papyrus last night. I giggled for days just looking at the dots. If you send me a present, I will send you a thank-you note on one of them...
-The phrase "Ass over Tea-Kettle" as in "I fell ass over tea-kettle down the stairs in a flurry of arms and legs."
Thumbs Down: -My green tea this morning tasted like dirt. -Hand-collating 25 80-page booklets here at PRF. Sigh. -Buddy Clinton's untimely death at age 4. I get sad when dogs die. Poor poor Buddy. --The Winter edition of Martha Stewart Weddings was about 99% ads. It is apparent that winter weddings do not receive the same creative attention from Martha and her gang as those occurring during the summer. This is annoying. Winter weddings are the perfect time to get creative. Everything's been done for spring/summer weddings. How many different batches of homemade lemonade can you make to match the bridesmaids dresses and tie into the "fruit theme" after all? Come on Martha. Get your head out of your linens and sack up.
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