2001-12-24~~9:40 a.m.
Happy Holidays?
San Quentin, you've been hell to me.... So says Johnny Cash in his Live at San Quentin album in the song entitled "San Quentin" appropriately enough. But I feel it applies to my life at PRF as well. Here I am at 9:45 a.m. on CHRISTMAS EVE. I am bitter. I am therefore going to be the Binch (part bitch, part grinch) that Stole Christmas Eve morning from you all with my sordid tales of people who have not let the holiday spirit get the best of them over the past weekend. I know. I thought I had experienced all of those people already. Alas. It was not meant to be... First, I was trying to park in downtown Sac the other day at lunchtime. I just had to run in to get my paycheck at Gay Crew and pick some stuff up for my dad at his office. It was traffic-y, as usual, but I luckily spotted a spot on the street just ahead. There also happened to be this large Asian woman (not many of those to behold) in a larger pink and green mini-van (yes, you read that correctly) with "taxi" written on it in several places and numbers and other stuff all over. LargeAsianWoman was blocking two lanes of traffic in her gargantuan van, and I just thought she was waiting to pull out of the bus station across the street. I think, however, in hindsight, she was trying to get to the space I was pulling into right at the moment when she started cussing at me and shaking her fist in my direction. "Hmm" I thought to myself. "That was one angry LargeAsianWoman." But I continued on my way to do my errands and only being slightly annoyed at being yelled at. But then, when I came out to leave, who should be pulling up right behind my car and acting all sweet and nice for my parking spot? That's right! LAW! I shot her a dirty look and took forever to move out of the spot as revenge. What a binch. Later on Friday, after learning that I had to work on Christmas Eve (not at the mall, which would be a logical place to be on this date, but in fact, at PRF, which is the most UN-logical place to be on this date besides maybe a Jewish Temple) I unwisely called the 24 Hour Fitness assistant manager who was trying to get me to join the club for an astronomical amount of money which I decidedly do NOT have right now. First, a little history on 24 Hour Fitness guys: they are all out to get you to join the club and then think you should sleep with/worship/idolize them along with paying dues. They are shmucks, every last one of them. But I like the club, for the most part, and PT's are like that anyway, so whatever. But I called Joel anyway, fully knowing I was not in the mood to be conned this evening. Call #1 went something like this (much abridged): Joel: Hello? Lauren: Hi, I was returning your call. Joel: Oh yeah. I can sign you up for $44/per month and divide up the membership fee so you don't have to pay it all at once (insert fake sincere concern for my finances here). Lauren: Sigh. Whatever. I can't deal with this. I'll come meet your apprentice next Thursday. Joel: Great! I just scored another unsuspecting customer! *Click* So I get off the phone and look at it confusedly. I then proceed to get REALLY pissed off that I am mistaking my Christmas bonus for money I will have forever, and for letting myself even set an APPOINTMENT with these people when I fully know I will not get what I want if I don't negotiate harder. So I call Joel back, this time, with my whole Friday wrath boiling up inside me. Call #2 went something like this: 24Hour Secretary: It's a great day to get in shape at 24 hour how can I help you? Lauren: Bah! Give me Joel! 24Hour guy: One second please! Lauren: waiting....waiting...waiting... 24Hour guy: I can't find Joel, do you want to leave a message? Lauren: No, can you page him? 24Hour guy: I have been. Lauren: Is he in the bathroom? 24Hour guy: I don't know... Lauren: Is he scared of me? 24Hour guy: I don't know that either. Lauren: I'll just hold thanks. Joel (10 minutes later): Hello? Lauren: Hi Joel. Um, I can't make it in next week unless you waive the membership fee since I just canceled my membership a year ago after being a concerted member for 4 years. I went to law school but don't have the degree but DO have the bills, you surely understand. Joel: I can't do that. But I can recommend a more cost-effective plan for you! Lauren: Bite me. I know how you all work. You want me to join before the end of the year so you can look good and get a free vacation to the Bahamas. Well, you're messing with the wrong girl, Joel. Joel: But I don't make the rules! I'd love to waive your fee...it's corporate offices that make the rules. Lauren: Should I call them, then? Joel: Um....(confusion) I can recommend a more cost-effective plan for you where you only pay $30 for four days of 24Hour Fitness fun per week.... Lauren: That's not what I want. I want unlimited use for $30 or less. Otherwise I will simply continue to run around the park for free. Joel: Um, um, um, um, just come in and meet with Mike next week like you planned. He can help you. I trained him.
(is that supposed to be a good thing or consoling to me or something?) Lauren: Whatever. Would you like to pay my loan bill so I can join your club instead? Joel: Um.... Lauren: Good-bye Joel. *Click* And Hello Holiday pounds. I think this is getting way too long, but let me just say the other story I could tell involves a very irate woman at Abercrombie on Saturday afternoon and her very idiotic high school age blond cashier in a tank top with sparkles on it in late December, who I like to think is named Trixie. And let me also say Abercrombie is a nightmare, not only because it was the weekend before Christmas. I would go crazy working there. How do you do a stock check in a store where everything looks the same? "Um, I need the red long-sleeved tee that says "A & F" on it in an XXS." Oh Lordy. Which brings me to the present, wherein I am working on Christmas Eve for PRF and because I am bitter, I am going to come in late on Wednesday and feign a doctor's appointment that morning. Oh, but a good thing happened yesterday when I had a WONDERFULLY fun-filled breakfast in the Berkeley area with Bevin, Maria and Patrick, and at breakfast, after we sang Happy Birthday to Bevin and Jesus, God answered us by having a Mullet sit directly across from our table AND Ring of Fire played proudly on the jukebox. And then Dianna showed up at the last minute which was truly a Christmas Miracle. Oh and then, when we were driving Bevin home, we blasted ROF on my stereo and I even slipped in a little of the interpretive dance while driving. It was a Merry Merry Christmas Eve Eve indeed. And to end this on a bright note, because although I write in such a manner, I am not, in fact, THAT bitter about the holidays, (it's just funnier that way) I wish all of you a wonderful Christmas and Happy New Year full of unexpected triumphs and joys. Thank you for reading my diatribes. Thought I'd say diary, huh? :)
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