September 10, 2002~~9:59 a.m.
Sorority Strife Finale
I honestly couldn't say it better than my friend Ryan (not his real name). So I won't even try. He wrote: Sniff, sniff. I can't believe it's over. I feel like you girls have been such a big part of my life. I think of how much I've grown and the things I've realized about myself over the past quarter, and I know I have you to thank for that! So now, without further adieu, I present the awards for last night's winners (or losers): In the category of Best Deception, it was a close call. Mara presented a strong performance with her withdrawal from Initiation at the last moment without blowing the secret to anyone (including the camera). Any other week, this high-drama, high tension moment would have been enough to lock her as a shoe-in for Best Deception, but last night the upset winner is... DeDe, for making us think she was the smart one! We've watched this quarter as she's avoided the grimy smear of the spotlight with the pretense she's a hard-core student that devotes her time to studying. HA! Failure of the tough Initiation quiz, of which she had taken before and seen all of the questions, proves she had us all deceived from week 1. Winner of the best Know When to Stay Sober award goes to Candace. After a ten-week silent-ad campaign for AA, all Candace needed to do to get accepted in the sorority was not show up to Initiation plastered! Against the odds, she pulled it off. I can just imagine the inner pep-talk she must have given herself, "Don't drink this morning. Just don't drink this morning. But I'm sooo thirsty... NO! Don't drink this morning..." Most Scary Bitch saw another close race. Jordan thought this was a category she could win hands-down. With weekly angry mood-swings, a never-take-blame campaign, and a controlling, deceptive, and manipulative attitude, she wrote her acceptance speech while her mom was chewing her out for being a drama-magnet. But Jordan will be stunned to find out she lost this race (yet still denying any self-accountability, she will demand an apology for losing) to Mara. Mara is by far the Most Scary Bitch, not for the drama she creates with her screams and accusations, but rather for the silently cold and calculating looks she dispenses while protecting her ulterior motives from everyone else. If you stare into her tangled mane long enough and defocus your eyes, you can make out the word BACKSTABBING. Friends beware! It may seem she locked this up with last-night's heart warming speech, "There are a lot of things I'd like to say at this point, but they are all mean and hurtful..." but if you need further proof of her worthiness, turn back to her memorable act of consoling Jordan by awkwardly rubbing her arm three weeks ago, almost as though too much friction might melt the Ice Queen. And now for the Best Use of Her 15 Minutes award. Without a doubt, the winner is... Jessica. Give the girl credit. She did what she had to. She stuck her nose in where it didn't belong. She got it smacked. She made awkward out-of-place speeches, both to the pledges and to the sisters. Yet in doing all of these things, she bought herself screen time that she most certainly would not have gotten otherwise. Not on MTV. Not even on Bass Masters. Best Jewish Nose award goes to Amanda. And tonight's winner, taking home an unprecedented two awards for Most Delusional, and Least Likely to be Missed... Jordan! While the two wins need little explanation, lest you forget the endless claims of "They still haven't apologized to me!", what is impressive is the number of almost-wins the girl came up with. Even in our final category, Most Successful. How, you ask? Simple. Jordan managed to get as much attention (good or bad) as she could handle over the past ten weeks, without being saddled with ties to an organization she didn't care about at the end of it. She made her TV bid for fame and walked away when it was over with no more baggage than she started with (granted, still enough baggage to fill a full-size SUV). But she was narrowly beat out once again for Most Successful by... The Sigma Sorority! Let's hear it for the little Jewish sorority in the small town of Davis for putting themselves and an underwhelming unattractive collective bunch of girls in the big lights of pop culture, on MTV. Odds makers in Vegas would have gone broke predicting the likelihood of that happening. Mathletes and Rhythm Gymnasts around the world, rejoice. You now have role models you can look up to, knowing some day, you too might get your turn in the bright lights. "Who wants to be or-di-nary..."
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