January 28, 2003~~2:54 p.m.
The State of the Union
I ask you: does anyone actually pay attention to the State of the Union address and think that what Shrublet says is 1.) actually TRUE or 2.)the promises he may make will actually be kept? It�s all just propaganda after all. I mean, who in their right mind actually BELIEVES anything politicians say anyway? So why pre-empt all the good evening news broadcasts for this crap? All anyone can talk about is the �speech of his life.� NPR all day every day for the past 3 days: the State of the Union this and the State of the Union that. I say, it�s only going to be the �speech of his life� if he can pronounce the words correctly for once. Otherwise, it�s just the speech of the speechwriter�s life. I will admit that I would not want to be in that person�s shoes. How do you create a speech that is perfectly legible and pronounceable by the reader, enthralling to the listener (i.e. the American public), and has just the right balance of bullshit about why Saddam needs to be annihilated and why the impending war is NOT in any way, motivated by an agenda of the President and his right hand man, Mr. Bush. It�s a tall order. If I were writing the State of the Union, I might say something like this: Ladies and Gentlemen: Good evening. Without further ado, I will briefly but fully cover the current state of our great nation. It appears we are up shit creek without a paddle. Not only is our economy souring by the minute, but you are all being blindly led forward into an expensive and pointless war by the Biggest Idiot on the face of the earth and his Vice-President whose Fruit of the Looms are obviously tightly wound around his genitalia. If you think this war is inevitable, you are sadly mistaken. We have only been feeding that line to the media for the past few months. Although it appears that Saddam Hussein, despite his being spawn from the murkiest raw sewage running through the streets of the poorest of third world nations, has little evidence or much production of note of nuclear weaponry, we are continuing to push the argument that what the weapons inspectors have NOT found is simply hiding and thus, there is grounds for an all-out war with his sad nation. And we will continue to tell you all sad morons of the US of A that we are ready and prepared for a war with Iraq even though our military men have the shittiest of clothing, gear and equipment to use and indeed have been forced to spend their meager salaries on backpacks that will hold up in a war at REI and other such outdoor supply chains. Meanwhile, who will plan this war against Iraq and its dictator? Men, that�s who! Men, who, while knowing that a war was imminent, sat around and played chess or ordered their subordinates to march up hills instead of concentrating on logistics. Thus, when the time came to send the Marines out on ships, these men were holding �logistics meetings� one week before departure trying to decipher if ALL the Marines could fit on one boat or just a few units. These are all things that could have been figured out long long ago, but were they? No. Indeed, if WOMEN had been at the helm of the war on Iraq, all the details would have already been cut and dry. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the State of our Union. Dastardly men are in charge. Be afraid. Be very afraid. Did I mention that a war with Iraq could mean that despite killing off one terrorist, Saddam Hussein, we only unleash a fury toward the United States of even MORE terrorism? Oh riiight. I wasn�t supposed to bring that up. The State of our Union is this: while we are out building missiles to use in our war with Iraq and sending men to and fro to scare Saddam out of his palace and give the Bush family more money for his oil, women and children on our own soil are sick and hungry because their welfare checks couldn�t possibly feed a family of dogs let alone pay the rent, provide clothing and food for a mother and her 3 young children. While we are spending money on things like shipping tanks and young minorities over to Iraq to play in the sand, the homeless are freezing on the streets in the winter cold. Budget cuts are forcing teachers out of work and students to share a classroom with 39 other snot-nosed pupils who will all undoubtedly wreak havoc on a teacher�s psyche while the one smart one in the bunch will sigh on yet another day and quietly pull our her book to read amongst the chaos of non-learning. While we are preparing for our war with Iraq, you the people may be wondering whatever happened to Bin Laden? Well folks, all I can say is, we smoked him out of his hole. Yes, we did. Just like I said we would. But do we know where he is or if he�s still alive? No, we don�t. But whatever! On to bigger and better things! Like stirring shit up in Iraq! Have I mentioned Iraq? Have I said �axis of evil� yet? (points finger at camera here) This, Ladies and Gentlemen of our great nation, is the State of our Union. God Bless America. (loud courtesy applause) Sigh. I don�t think Bush will be saying any of these things tonight. But one can hope. Maybe he�ll wear his spectacles that make him look only slightly more intelligent that your average garden snail.
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