January 15, 2003~~3:20 p.m.
Why I Love Dry Heaving: An Essay
I have a new respect for dry heaving. I never thought I�d ever have anything positive to say about vomiting as it�s just one of those messy things where nothing good can come of it. You either feel like crap before you blow chunks because you ate some foul fish, or else you drank way too much and there is no hope for feeing better even after you vom until at least 4 to 5 hours later, if then. So being pregnant has opened my eyes to the drama that is morning noon and night sickness. Let me tell you, it�s not fun. The only positive to the whole nausea thing (besides my new perspective on dry heaving which I will explain shortly), which isn�t even all that fun because I know it is a fleeting moment, is that I�ve lost about 10 pounds in the last 2 months or so because I have little or no appetite (this does NOT mean I have not been eating, just not eating a LOT). So here�s a short synopsis of my usual morning: I wake up and feel good for 5 seconds. Suddenly, my empty stomach growls in hunger, begging for nutrients. Instead of just getting over itself, my stomach chooses to reconfigure these hunger pangs into undeniable nausea. I lift my sore breasts off the bed (they have never been large, and although they are not really that large now, they are much much MUCH more of a chore to have around, as they are regularly swollen and painful and far more noticeable and burdensome than normal) and lug my body to the bathroom. I pee and then head straight to rid my mouth of morning breath and that general funk that settles in overnight. (Sidenote: I REALLY like to brush my teeth. Morning or night, it really is a fun time for me. And I�m big on not having bad breath, so I like to annihilate it as soon as possible in the a.m.) But there is a phenomenon that occurs whilst pregnant that I was not prepared for. Apparently, one�s stomach and growing child do not appreciate the teeth brushing process early in the morning. Perhaps it is the minty toothpaste. Perhaps it is the poking and prodding of an intrusive brush. Whatever the case, the minute I rinse my mouth and begin to brush, it is a mad dash to finish brushing before my stomach catches on to what is happening and the gag reflexes kick in. The inner dialogue I have with my stomach goes something like this: Okay stomach. I�m going to brush now. No need to get upset. I�m JUST BRUSHING. See? It doesn�t hurt! It�s good for you! (speeding up brushing now) Okay, it�s alright. You�ll be fine. I�m just about done. (Brushing more quickly now. The stomach is starting to react and there is very little time left�.) Please don�t do this to me. Pleeeease. I�m just brushing. I�m just BRUSHING. I�M JUST BRUSHING!!!!! See?! I�m done! DONE! But then, sometimes, my stomach takes no heed. And so I begin the dry heaves. I usually like to get to the toilet in time to warn it with a little rap ditty. I say, �Guess who�s back�back again�I am back�tell a friend�.� Just, you know, out of common courtesy. It is, after all the early morning. I feel like the toilet has a right to know. Sometimes I sing �Hello toilet, my old friend�I�ve come to barf in you again�.� I haven�t heard which one is preferable. I usually try to alternate for variety. So I do my thing for a minute or two and flush and move on with my day. But here�s why dry heaving is number one in my book: It�s not messy because there�s really nothing there to throw up, it�s over in about 3 minutes, and sometimes, your body is fooled into thinking it DID throw up and everything is hunky-dory for the rest of the hour that you are readying yourself for work. So in closing, say �Yes!� to dry heaving. ***** Update: So Omar and I got married last Saturday and planned the wedding in 4 days. Why so quick and soon? Well, we can all thank W. for that. We thought Omar might be shipping out to Iraq this week and as such, last weekend might be our only weekend to marry. Thank you Georgie, thank you.
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