June 15, 2004~~4:55 p.m.
An Open Letter to Star Jones
Don�t get me wrong, I am a romantic. I wouldn�t call myself a �hopeless� romantic, but I like romance, nonetheless. I get teary at weddings. I like roses. I like wine. I like it when things work out for people. But I have reached a saturation point with Star Jones of �The View.� The woman will not stop gushing about her fianc�, Al. Who is Al you ask? Well, he is Star Jones� fianc�, of course. Other than that he works on Wall Street, I am not sure WHO he is, and neither is Critter, who is my go-to gal for all things famous. Therefore, we have concluded that Al was basically a nobody until he started dating Star Jones. Which is fine, really. We just don�t know what the fuss is about. It�s not like she�s engaged to Jay Z or something. I can only tolerate about 11.75 minutes of �The View� each morning. I like to watch the beginning segment where they discuss current gossip and events and then I turn it off BECAUSE I can�t stand Star Jones or Elisabeth Hasselbeck. Star I wouldn�t mind so much as our politics are similarly aligned, but she is so full of herself that it grates on my nerves. There is more to life than shoes and wigs thankyouverymuch. Elisabeth I just happen not to like much because she is very conservative which I find disconcerting in a young woman and also, she tries to be funny and isn�t. Practically a mortal sin in my opinion. Star had this whirlwind romance with Al�they only dated for a few months before he proposed to her at the NBA All-Star game in the spring. It surprised even me. Now there is talk that he is bisexual although the couple firmly denies these rumors, of course. It�s not so much that Star Jones found love, it�s that she CAN�T STOP TALKING ABOUT IT. And �The View� has taken this opportunity to have all kinds of wedding garb and wedding pre-party and wedding day segments about things that cost way too much and which the average bride either can�t or shouldn�t afford. On �pick a bride�s dress day� when Star began to gush that she wanted a dress to wear at the ceremony and one for the reception, I threw up in my mouth and had to turn off the television. Good for her that she can throw away money like that, but please, don�t encourage the rest of twenty-something America, who CAN�T afford it to think that it�s the new trend and it�s what they should be paying for. But I digress. After months of rolling my eyes whenever the subject of Al Who? came up on the show, I learned today that Star and Al actually have a website devoted to their romantic story and their upcoming wedding. You can find the atrocity at www.starandal.com. It is scandalous. Not only is it rife with misspellings, it is rife with clich�s, tawdry vacation photos of all the lovely places StarandAl Who? have been on in their few months of courtship, sickening captions that induce dry heaving such as �Star and Al�so much in love� and �Star and Al�meant to be side by side forever� and perhaps most appallingly, horrific photos of the happy couple in which Star Jones� plastic smile is seemingly trapped on her glowing (and I do mean glowing via airbrush) face. I could hardly take it all in. Just the Me-ness of it all was astounding. Oh and I almost forgot about the quiz the couple has on the site for the fun of visitors everywhere. They ask questions like �What is the nickname of Star and Al�s house in the Hamptons?� and �Where should Star and Al go on their Honeymoon? Africa, Europe, Asia or the Carribbean?� There are poorly written accounts of the way they met and their big engagement show in front of all of America. There are pictures of their first few dates and the ten romantic trips they have taken which show that you, too, can have a whirlwind romance like they have had if money is no object. There are some horrible kissing shots in front of the Eiffel Tower and one where Star is wearing a white beret where she calls herself �Fifi.� If you so choose, you can also try to access the couple�s gift registry, but you�ll need a password. Which is where my open letter comes in. Critter and I tried and tried to figure out the password, but we couldn�t break the code. There is a question that prompts you (assuming you are a friend who has been given the password) to remember it. It says, �What is Star and Al�s secret to their love?� I couldn�t figure it out, so I�m going to the source for help. ~~~~ Dear Star Jones, I was a recent visitor of your website www.starandal.com. I perused the various links and soon found the password page for your bridal registry. I tried unsuccessfully to answer the question and access the hidden information, but alas, I was kept at bay. Tell me, Star, what IS the secret to your love? I thought I had it when I entered the words �faith�, �hope�, �God�, and �Christ� because, judging from your and Al�s devout Christianity, I thought those surely were the answers. I soon discovered otherwise. So I tried �bisexualism� and �prostitution� as another angle. Still nothing. Becoming more frustrated and thinking maybe the secret lay in your love of fine things, I tried �fake eyelashes�, �wigs�, �hair extensions� and �lots of makeup� (the latter in various different combinations of spaces and punctuation) but still, I was not granted access. Can you please help me? I would love to find out what the secret to your love is, Star. I�m only hoping it�s not �unlimited monetary funds� or �unbridled egotism� because if either of those is the trick, I am doomed. Thanks in advance, Lauren
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