April 03, 2003~~2:52 p.m.
The Art of the She-Devil
I don�t know if it�s being pregnant or the war or what, but I am at the end of my rope at e.ScIEntolOgY. I try to have a good, bright attitude day in and day out whilst my husband is away fighting a war, and by golly, I think I do a pretty damn good job of keeping it together thankyouverymuch. But SOMETIMES, I don�t feel like being chipper to the receptionist with a mullet and SOMETIMES I don�t want to go into a 10 minute long discussion over "how I am doing" (insert concern here) and SOMETIMES I just don�t want to deal with people being jerks. And that�s true of any time in my life. And so, dear readers, allow me to introduce you to two new characters in the ongoing saga that is e.Sci. First, the She-Devil in the finance office. She terrifies most of the employees in the building, and generally has a piss-poor attitude about everything in life. Maybe I can give you a mental picture. She looks like a troll. She is of average height but slouches. Her hair is brown, thick and hangs most of the way down her back, but it�s obvious that she needed a trim about 5 years ago and never made it happen. She always wears it pulled back halfway in a large silver clip. She smokes and has a gruff man-voice and her teeth are the most frightening things I have ever laid eyes on. One could easily mistake them for those fake rotten teeth you can purchase out of vending machines at pizza parlors. The top row buck out severely and are all shades of yellowed brown. She dresses as you might expect: polyester pants and oversized sweaters. Once in awhile, she goes for the �feminine look� (and fails miserably) and dons a baby-blue paisley peasant shirt. I�m really not sure what possessed her to purchase such an item because it is SO out of character. For a long time, her email template was this purple background with red and dark purple swirly lines going down the sides. You knew the shit was hitting the fan whenever you�d open your email account and see the �swirls of death� and the alarming purple mass staring at you with evil disdain. She has since changed her template and has replaced the Fires of Hell template with something more subtle. Now she writes her evil missives on a white background with a little yellow smiley-head that has a pile of bricks that fall on top of it over and over. It is animated. I think it�s her attempt at being ironic and cute at the same time. I keep learning little tidbits about She-Devil that make me more interested in her life and past. For instance, I recently learned that she spent six years in the Air Force and has an ex-husband. The ex-husband provides answers to two questions. 1. Whether or not She-Devil has ever been laid and if not, is this the cause of so much anger and 2. Why might She-Devil be so bitter? I even heard a rumor that she has a (gasp!) son! I have yet to find validity to such a bizarre claim. I cannot fathom She-Devil in a motherly role toward anyone save a rat in her garage and even then, I would be worried. She-Devil is one of those �play by the rules� people that likes to throw the employee handbook at you when you screw up. Now, granted, I would NOT want her job. She has to keep track of a lot of shit and they keep a very tight rein on corporate spending down there in the finance office. And I think they do a pretty good job, albeit at the expense of being friendly to anyone in the building. Our company has a purchase order system where you have to submit the purchase order before anything is paid for or an event is attended, or a flight is booked, etc. This is where I most often have my run-ins with the She-Devil. That and when I stamp an envelope for personal use and forget to pay the .37 to finance until they fish out my letter from the mail bin and threaten to kill me with the sharp corners. I have been submitting purchase orders for things for a year now, with only minor mistakes occurring here or there. Whenever I rack up three or more mistakes, She-Devil reports me to Rowena and copies the email to my bosses suggesting that I might need �hatting� on how to submit a PO. To this, I roll my eyes, because most likely, the mistake was made because I encountered a new �twist� on submitting purchase orders and really, once I�ve been corrected, I shan�t make that mistake again, thank you! But still, I look like an idiot because everyone got the email that says I can�t submit a crappy ass PO. In my new department, there are very specific rules about submitting PO�s and things are generally much more complicated and detail-oriented here than in my other position. This is fine, but I�m probably going to make a mistake or two in learning the new system. This is absolutely NOT okay with She-Devil. Most recently, I made the horrific mistake of submitting a PO AFTER the event occurred for which the charges were made. In my defense, I knew the charges would be made, but I was unsure of the amounts. So I waited to submit the PO. I had inquired of the amounts BEFORE the event, but received no answer. When I finally submitted the PO on April 1, I was beckoned down to the Gates of Hell by She-Devil and reprimanded for submitting the PO after the end of the month in which the event was held. Mind you, this was never a �rule� I was told about nor did my boss even know about it! But the shit hit the fan all over e.Sci�s finance division and you would have thought I made a dartboard out of L. Ron Hubbard�s face. (Hey! Great idea!) For the record, I took full responsibility for making the mistake and told She-Devil to place the blame on me (she was trying to throw herself a pity party because her boss was upset with her that the PO had come in late). When I said it was my fault and she could tell him so, she said, �Well, he knows it�s not MY fault, but I�m the one who has to deal with it!� I almost rolled my eyes. So was I supposed to feel sorry for her because she was getting yelled at by HER boss or now was I supposed to feel like crap because I made a mistake that she is pissed off about? You just can�t win with She-Devil. The flames are too hot. You just can�t get too close. Then there is Art, the director of my department. Art was in Florida for the first 3 months I was in the department, getting �audited� as the Sci's are wont to do. This is when they get a paid 4 month vacation to go and be brainwashed by their own. So Art wasn�t even around when I first started, and maybe our �non-e� meeting (scieNtoLOgy for �getting to know you�) we had upon his return didn�t cover all the duties I would carry out for him. Apparently, I am supposed to make his travel arrangements for him but only when he doesn�t make them himself. How am I supposed to know when he will or will not make his own reservations, you ask? Funny! I wondered the same thing this very morning when I walked into his office to inquire about a couple dates he would need a hotel for and then was criticized for not making flight reservations for a trip he is taking next week. That I didn�t KNOW about. Art said, �I have no travel details for my trip to Olympia next week.� And I said, �Well, am I supposed to make the arrangements or are you doing them yourself like you did for Indiana and Maine?� And he said, �You ALWAYS do them unless I do them.� Confused, I asked, �Well, how do I know if YOU are going to do them?� Art replied, �I�ll let you know.� Whatthefuck??!!! Like you let me know that you were going to this fucking meeting next week?? Like THAT, Art? LIKE THAT?! Then he said, �And you should get the hat from Sue and wear the hat instead of me telling you.� The �hat� being scientology for the �job description for making travel arrangements for people.� Um, please. I don�t have a problem making the fucking ARRANGEMENTS, Art. I have a problem when I don�t know there are arrangements to MAKE. I have a feeling that the MAGIC FUCKING HAT is not going to help me here, Art. Does the MAGIC HAT help you read minds, Art? Does it??!! Yeah, our system is working well, Art, really well. Then, when I busted my ass to find him some good flight times to Olympia AT THE LAST MINUTE, they were apparently insufficient because I�d looked them up online instead of calling the travel agent that I THOUGHT Art didn�t like to use because he is a cheapskate and prefers NOT to pay her the $35 booking fee she charges for booking flights. So now apparently, my money-saving motives are all wrong as well. This directly contradicts the last trip he took when I booked him a rental car through Enterprise instead of Thrifty like he likes to do because Thrifty gives you deals and will maybe only charge $20 a day instead of $40 at Enterprise. ARG! I can�t do anything right, apparently. I am so ready to be gone for the weekend and maybe never come back. Between She-Devil and Art, the war is looking like a peaceful diversion from my regular life.
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