September 26, 2002~~5:41 p.m.
Elk-ton John
Sacramento, California gets a bad rap. Bay Area snobs (I can say that because I lived there before) think it�s not San Francisco (and it�s not�granted, nothing compares to SF, I will admit) and L.A./San Diego people think that it�s not So Cal, so it�s just crap. Well, I�ve got news for them. Sacramento is fabulous. Not counting the fact that it has the most trees per capita of any city in the United States, it also has Midtown, the Tower and Crest theaters, Chevy�s on the River, McKinley Park, the Fabulous 40�s, the open-air mall where I work sometimes and the Sacramento News and Review where my friend Veronica works and has to take phone calls regarding personal ads and then has to repeat them back to the person placing them thus having to say things like �Looking for a 300 pound Hot Mama to join our Threesome� out loud in the reception area of the newspaper. One other thing Sacramento has are the elks. From what I can gather, the elks are a fundraising deal. They are rather large ceramic elks, and several businesses and government departments around town have decided to take part in the thematic decorating of the elks which assumedly will then be raffled off for money for a non-Reagan-approved mental institution or homeless shelter or something of the like. So the SNR had an elk that they decorated to look like a disco queen. They named said elk �Elk-ton John.� Tragically, Elk-ton was elknapped about a month ago from the cement in which he stood and left nary a trace. It was a sad day at the SNR. The local news came out and interviewed the SNR president about the elknapping and the newspaper itself took out a half-page, color ad exclaiming �Elk-ton, Where are You?�, describing what he was last seen wearing (mirrored disco skirt, orange fro wig w/pick, red roller skates, among other items) and listing a phone number to call if Elk-ton was located. A press release was dispersed with the SNR president denouncing the people of questionable moral character who would do such a thing as to elknap a poor, innocent disco elk, minding his own business on a street corner. The president said, �I never knew how much Elk-ton meant to me until he was gone�terror fills my heart that he is out there somewhere, skating all alone!� A radio station in New York saw the press release on the wire and interviewed the president live on the air. Hilarity filled my heart at the whole state of affairs, but only briefly, as I quickly reprimanded myself and was mindful of the gravity of the situation. And then, like the second coming of Christ, someone saved Elk-ton. Veronica received a call from a Good Samaritan who had seen the news report about the elknapping and said that she had rescued a disheveled, slightly unconscious and amnesiac Elk-ton from the sidewalk across the street. She gave Elk-ton a comfortable bed in her backyard until the SNR people could come retrieve him. At long last, Elk-ton John was back where he belonged. Once he had visited his stylist was back up-to-snuff, Elk-ton granted the SNR an interview about his adventures. You can see a picture of Elk-ton and read that interview here. So for anyone who wants to say that Sacramento doesn�t have excitement, I beg to differ. According to me and Elk-ton, you just haven�t gone down the right Yellow Brick Road, Tiny Dancer.
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