September 15, 2004~~12:09 p.m.
For Allie
Emily Dickinson wrote, �I�ll tell you how the sun rose�a ribbon at a time.� A tiny sunshine rose the other night, and, I believe, she carried a thousand ribbons, from our hearts to hers, up to heaven. Some of you know of my friend, baby Allison Scott, who has battled leukemia for the past 4 and a half months. I have prayed harder for her than ever before in my existence. I have held on to strands of hope for her that she would win over this deadly disease. I have ached when she ached, cried when she cried and laughed when she smiled. My heart is heavy with grief today, for she lost her valiant battle on Monday night. Thousands of people have come to know Allie through her parents� website, www.scotthousehold.com. Some have followed her story since her diagnosis at 4 months old back in early May. Though I met Allie and her mom, Jenny, in August, I feel like I have known both of them for years. I am not sure what drew me to Allie. Usually, I might come across a website like hers and read a bit and think, �Oh how sad. No baby should have to go through that� and continue on with my blessed life. But something that day made me stay there. And something kept me going back. Allie is a compelling force. She had a smile that lit up the room and eyes that spoke to you from her pictures. You could almost read her mind and it was saying, �Stay with me�I am HERE! Take notice!� And I did take notice. I think that being a mother has changed me innately in ways I could never express and could never imagine before. My heart was Allie�s from the start partly because she is a baby and I am a mommy. I simply had to love her. I had no choice. And when I started from the beginning and read all about Allie�s fight, something happened. I have always been conscious of life and do not take for granted the fact that I drive my car every day and so far have never had a tragic accident. That I have been blessed with good health and a strong body. That I have been given a beautiful child and a wonderful and lucky life. But this was different. Suddenly, I began to look at my daughter through a different lens. I saw her as even more of a marvel than before. Countless times now, I have taken her, sleeping, from her crib and simply sat with her on my chest in the dark of her room, listening intently to her slow breaths, feeling the soft of her skin, the weight of her body. I have paid attention to how she looks at me through her big blue eyes with such affection and love and delight. I am her world, and she is my sunshine. I met Allie when the hope for her recovery had begun to fade. She threw a few �curveballs� as her mother put it, and held on as long as she could. In the end, she would leave us twice. Once for just a few minutes until (we believe) she realized from that place in between earth and ever after, that her beloved sitter, Angela, was not with her in the room. So she came back for a little while to listen to her mommy sing her a lullaby and hear again that it was okay for her to go fly with the angels. And then, she spread her little wings and flew. I know that I will love and miss Allie for a long time to come. She has changed my heart. I believe that Allie is home now. I believe that she is free of pain and hurt. I believe that her job here is done. I believe that the sun will rise again tomorrow, taking its ribbons with it, one at a time.
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