July 25, 2002~~10:38 p.m.
To Whom it May Concern
Dear Appalling Drivers of the Greater Sacramento Area: Get off the road. To the guy in the Mercedes Kompressor: You are not driving a real luxury vehicle. You are driving an overpriced hatchback. Remember those? Yeah, all you need now is a mullet and some torn acid washed jeans. So before you whiz around me in a fit of urgency to get down Highway 50 faster than the rest of us, think about that 30 grand you spent on your little Honda lookalike. You are not that cool, so stop threatening our lives. Thank you. To the man in the 1985 Plymouth Voyager: Please learn how to use the accelerator when merging onto the FREEWAY. The speed limit is 70 miles per hour. Please take heed that therefore, the Mack truck cruising down I-5 will likely be going at a 70 mile per hour clip. You will be MOWED down, taking with you all of us behind you, if you do not go FASTER when you merge onto the main road. To the woman in the little red Civic: do not flip me off when you hang out in my blind spot for 20 minutes and then try to merge into me when the lane ends. It is not my responsibility to check behind me when it is YOUR lane that has the very visible white arrows alerting you to the need to merge in a quick, timely, yet SAFE manner to the left. You make me want to toss my soy milk right out the window at you as you pass me by in a fury of early-morning-commute madness. To the guy in the mini white Toyota pickup: Please do not drive down the freeway with a load of PVC pipe which is causing the back end of the truck to sag all the way down to the pavement. You are scaring the shit out of everyone behind you. Do you not notice that the pipes are, at best, only LOOSELY secured onto the too-short bed of the truck? What the hell were you thinking? Thanks for the death threat on wheels, buddy. To the guy in the Tahoe: what makes you think that riding my ass in 5 o�clock traffic is going to get you there any faster? Do I need to turn my windshield wiper fluid on for you? Have you not noticed that we are all poking along at 10 miles per hour just like you are? Have you not noticed that even if I were to change lanes, you will get to move past me but only find yourself tailgating the next poor fool who is stuck in, gee, the SAME TRAFFIC AS YOU ARE?! To the old guy in the Tercel: When you look behind you and see, oh, about 25 CARS poking along behind you in the FAST lane of I-5, going only 55 miles per hour and unable to pass you because it�s only a 2 lane highway and the right lane is full of semi tractor trailers, for the love of God, pull over. You are annoying the hell out of everyone around you. Do not continue grooving in peaceful oblivion to Frank Sinatra singing "Moon River." Just put that blinker on (but for crissakes, don�t LEAVE it on) and get the hell out of the fast lane. Because the only place YOU�RE going fast is to the top of my shit list. Sincerely, Lauren Commuter
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