May 27, 2004~~9:45 p.m.
My Diary My Self
I haven’t written an update in awhile and I feel bad about it. Not so much for my loyal readers, but for myself, actually. I feel like, in some ways, my diary has been tainted by the self-serving actions of people who I thought were my friends. It’s been awhile since The Occurrence, but I definitely have been reluctant to put much up here in the months following it because I feel like whatever I say will be used against me. And that, my friends, is a travesty. You see, I believe that I have every right to say whatever in the hell I want to on MY DIARY site because it pertains to ME and MY THOUGHTS and MY THOUGHTS ONLY. What I write should not be at risk to become fodder for someone else’s insatiable appetite for gossip and the scandalous. When I’m not habitually writing, even about mundane things, I feel like my eye on the world has been closed. I notice that even when I find humor in the commonplace I feel like I shouldn’t write about it because I’m not sure in whose hands it will end up and who might take it out of context or who will think ill of me because I say what I say or feel what I feel. I feel as though the life I have chosen for myself is sometimes not enough to support the very human questions I also sometimes have about people and events from my past or present for that matter. Since when does reminiscing or wondering or pondering life’s events mean that you are unhappy with the status quo? I certainly am not. I will admit that I, like everyone, have my down days, but would I choose to have another life stemming from another time? No way. Who are we if not people who can look behind us to appreciate what is ahead? Have we become a society of people who expect news and opinions to be sugar-coated? Does the truth from one person have to be “polished” so as not to offend? Because if so, I resign. I have never been a person who has “edited” themselves so as not to hurt feelings or step on toes. This is not to say that I intentionally hurt feelings, but I do pride myself on being truthful and honest and sometimes, the truth hurts. And in that same vein, have we forgotten that one person’s truth is simply that? My experience and perspective are entirely distinctive to ME. I think it is fascinating that I live a life that is uniquely my own and nobody walking this earth has been exactly where I have at exactly the same moment. So how can someone in another experience question my own? With that, my friends, I am becoming uncensored. I will wont no more to speak my mind. This is my diary. My life story. This has nothing to do with my parents, my parents’ views, parents’ friends or my parents’ friends’ views. It is time to break from the chains of where I come from and who people think I am and learn to embrace the self; the good and bad of me. And you can choose to read about it or not.
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